Ouch.

I am still hurting from yesterdays heart breaking. I know that Panic didn't do it to hurt me or any of the fans. I know that it is for the best even if we can't see it, or hear it as the case may be, now, but that we will eventually. I sort of feel that if they were completely breaking up and going 4 separate ways I would be able to handle it better. That I think is just a lie to myself. I also think that I am so upset because I don't think I can handle the "replacements." This happens to be another example of me lying to myself.

I can't handle the fact that Ryan, Spencer, Brendon, and Jon are no longer together. I can see only those 4 as Panic(!) at the Disco (the ! is optional) and no one else and that I can't imagine them in separate bands. To me they are all parts of the same entity. I learned of them together, I listened to them together, I fell in love with the music they wrote together. I .... I want them together.

It is for the best I know, and I trust Brendon and Spencer when they say that everything will be ok. I know it will once I hear the results, it is just hard to accept right now. I also can't help but feel that I jinxed it a little bit in an earlier post. I really don't think so, but I kinda do. I didn't mean to because they were one of my favorite bands.

I was just thinking about it and this Beatle song came to mind. It seems to fit right now. (Isn't it weird how Beatles looks funny without the 's'). Maybe I am being a little over dramatic but you have to understand that music means more to me than anything else in the world. If I could live off of music I would already have died from obeseity, if that makes sense. So when something happens in the music world I react. I feel like the members of the bands are my friends even though we've never met. When I am in the record/music store I feel like I am home, I am completely relaxed and could spend hours there. So because something so astronomical happened I feel as if my family is spliting up.

Here's the Beatles song:

"What goes on in your heart
what goes on in your mind
you are tearing me apart
when you treat me so unkind
what goes on in your mind
the other day i saw you as I walked along the road
but when i saw him with you I saw my future fold
its so easy for a girl like you to lie
tell me why
What goes on in your heart
what goes on in your mind
you are tearing me apart
when you treat me so unkind
what goes on in your mind
I met you in the morning waiting for the tide of time
but now the tide is turning i can see that I was blind
It's so easy for a girl like you to lie
Tell me why
What goes on in your heart
I used to think of no one else but you were just the same
You didn't even think of me as someone with a name
Did you mean to break my heart and watch me die?
tell me why
What goes on in your heart
what goes on in your mind
you are tearing me apart
when you treat me so unkind
what goes on in your mind"

Love Harmony Peace